Thursday, July 1, 2010

Things I've Learnt From My Neighbours

  1. Never close a door quietly. In fact, doors must be slammed shut with as much energy as you can muster. Preferably, for maximum effect all door slamming activities should be performed in the early hours of the morning.
  2.  Never, ever invite your friends into your flat for a coffee and a conversation. It is far better to have your conversations in the corridor outside your flat, and at a level that allows your neighbours to find out how it’s going with Piet’s divorce and Sibongile’s kidney stones.
  3. When having your friends over for a braai, you should under no circumstances use the designated braai area by the pool. For best results, put your braai right outside your front door. This will enable the maximum amount of smoke to infiltrate your neighbours’ apartments and for them to enjoy the atmosphere you are creating for your guests.
  4. If you have a cellphone that can play music, use it. Play the most obnoxious music you can find, loudly while strolling up and down the corridors. The effects can be maximised by having a simultaneous shouty conversation with your friend, who is happening to be standing right next to you at the time.
  5. During school holidays the best place for your children to play is in the corridors between the flats. Any of your neighbours that may be working from home will welcome the distraction that your screaming children bring.
  6. When parking your car, it is best not to try and get into the parking straight. Rather have a large part of your car sticking out of the parking in order to see which of your neighbours are alert when entering the premises.
  7. When leaving the parking area, try go as fast as possible. For your enjoyment the people walking to and from their cars will dance a little jig to avoid getting hit by you.

Bonus tips from the idiots at the bar across the road:

  1.  Music in the bar area is best enjoyed at air raid level. The people in the flats across the road absolutely love it when you make their fillings rattle.
  2. Always try and rev your souped up Corsa or Shiti Golf for as long as possible. We appreciate this show of masculinity and bow to your awesomeness. The same is true for any shithead on a motorbike.
  3. One word: Donuts. The ladies love donuts. We salute you... shithead!
  4. If, for any reason, the bar closes early and you feel like partying then by all means have your own party in the parking lot. We love Kurt Darren. Especially on repeat. And very especially at 6 o’clock in the morning of a public holiday. The only day we get to sleep in.

3 comments:

Unknown said...

OMG! Seriously funny :D I now have a clearer understanding of your desire to find another place.

Arianwen said...

Top form Fuckwit, top form.

And oh so very true...the same considerate neighbours shared space with me at the previous flat. Bastats.

Grinder of Cogs said...

Good thing you don't own a handgun or sniper rifle lol


You have my sympathy. At least I know where the idiots I encounter every day on the road, go to roost and rut.