Saturday, November 27, 2010

Anniversarial Thoughts…

I’m not often sentimental on my blog, but today is a special day. So everyone can forgive me this moment of sappiness.

A year ago today, I married the love of my life. While I often tell her how wonderful she is, and as much as the whole world knows this, I need to shout it from the rooftops. Or, as this case may be, the blog tops.

I met The Boss in the strangest of places. An internet dating site. I was going to give up hope. Getting ready to spend the rest of my life alone. Okay, not entirely alone, there was a whiskey bottle involved. I digress however.

After a few tentative dates, we were officially a couple. Myself, of course, being my normal abrasive self and The Boss being her normal accepting and loveable self.

The entire first year of our relationship was a tough one. With The Boss being away during the week, and us trying to build our relationship on weekends. But we persevered.

A little over a year after we met, I decided one day that I’m not letting The Boss get away without a fight. I cornered her father and asked permission to marry her. I came off lightly. Granted, he was up a ladder at the time, and I had the bravery that only three double whiskeys can give one.

Almost eighteen months after we met, we signed the lease on our current flat. Living in sin for a few months, while planning a wedding.

Don’t let anyone bullshit you into thinking that planning a wedding is hard work. It really isn’t. Apart from the dress, I had our entire wedding planned, booked and paid for in three weeks. I digress again.

We were married a year ago today. In a small ceremony overlooking the ocean. Surrounded by only our immediate family. Some of our family members couldn’t make it. Their lack of presence was felt by all.

The few days running up to our wedding day, we were getting worried about the weather. Our ceremony was due to take place outside, and the weather was awful. Pissing down cats and dogs almost every day.

The day we got married, someone was looking out for us. Clear and sunny skies.

But now… Today… A year had passed since we have made the biggest decision of our lives. The entire year has not been smooth sailing. In fact, the last three months were downright rough. No fault of our own though. The Boss was away assessing some mine’s risk, and I was left watching the cat.

All jokes aside for a minute.

For as long as I can remember, I was looking for someone like The Boss. Someone that understands that I have a hard time in the morning. Someone that gets why I can’t stand the general population of this wonderful country of ours. Someone that doesn’t just cater to my every whim, but tells me to get knotted every now and again. Someone, that at the risk of sounding cheesy, completes me.

It was a rough couple of years, looking for her, but I found her. And now, there’s no backing out. She’s stuck with me.

At least we’re both happy to be stuck together. And in a last soppy moment. The Boss, I love you. More than life itself.

We now return to our normal programming. And in the spirit of the usual posts… Fuck off!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Drama Tweens

Is it my imagination or have the teens of today become more neurotic and angsty?

I look at the youngsters of today and all I see is them constantly bitching and moaning about absolutely everything. They seem to think that because they are at school, live with their (controlling) parents and are suffering from the onset of puberty, that they have the right to act like whiny little shits.

They whine because their parents won’t buy them the latest iGimmick. They whine because their parents demand a certain level of respect. They whine because their parents demand they do a few things around the house. They whine because they get assigned homework, projects and tests at school. Then they whine because they fail the abovementioned tests.

I know that I was not the easiest teenager on earth. I gave my mother a good run for her money and then some. Even in my 30s I am still my mother’s most difficult child. I also know that if I acted half as badly as today’s Drama Tweens, my mother would have given me a beating I would not soon have forgotten, and it would have been a beating I would have deserved. Beyond the shadow of a fucking doubt.

Apparently now, according to some “real” research, teenage angst is because of biology. Bull-fucking-shit! Teenage angst is because teenagers have become whiny little shits with more human bloody rights than their parents. If parents today had the rights my parents had when I was growing up, there would be fewer angsty bloody teenagers.

I know I was not always the world’s happiest child either. I was also “misunderstood”. Except in my case being “misunderstood” meant I was a self-centred, whiny little shit. However angsty we were back in the 80s and 90s, no-one actually ever knew about it. The really, very angsty ones were just a little different, and usually ended up being art students. Which is fine, since everyone expects art students to be a little “different”. But, however angsty, self-centred and whiny we were back in those days, we were not a patch against the kids of today.

But with the incidence of Facebook, Twitter and Mxit, I tend to see a lot more of this whiny-ness of the younger generation. Not only are the younger generation in our midst whiny, needy and self-centred, they are also tremendous attention whores. Heaven forbid anyone on this planet should not be paying attention to them for five minutes.

You do not even have to go on Facebook or Twitter to see these little attention whores. Go to any mall. Now, I cannot remember if I ever did this, but you see the parents and five steps behind is the teenager, sulking. Sulking because of being dragged out in public with their uncool parents. I know my parents are uncool, but guess what? Fuck everyone else. They are MY uncool parents. What they lack in uncoolness, they make up for in everything else. Christ, I can swear like a drunken pirate in front of my mother and she accepts that as a part of me. However, I digress…

Apart from the whiny little shits walking five steps behind the parents, they walk with their headphones in their ears. Listening to whatever is playing on their iGimmick that they eventually guilted their parents into buying. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable. You do not go out in public with a set of headphones plugged into your ears. Wrong on very many levels.

Amongst my Facebook and Twitter “friends” I have two teenagers. Roughly a year apart in age from each other. A more depressed collection of youngsters remain to be seen. One complains most of the time about how big a loser it is. How it does not have any friends. How it does not have a best friend. The list goes on. The other just complains a lot, about pretty much everything in its life.

The common denominator between the two, both hate their parents for some perceived wrong doing on the parents’ part. The only wrong my parents ever did was not beating me enough.

I had a point to all of this… Yes! Please can someone tell me if I am imagining all of this? I really cannot tell any more. Have teenagers become tiny, self-centred, whiny little drama queens? I think they have. I think parents should start beating the shit out of their kids again. Perhaps then teenagers will go back to being less self-centred and whiny. They will still be little shits, but they will whine less.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I’ve known for quite some time that I’m a bit of an anti-socialite. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against socialites, I’m just not one myself.

It used to be that I avoided social settings to avoid the numbskullery that usually goes on at these things. That and most of the dumb fuckery as well. I just cannot do social. Mostly because social events are made up of small talk, and as I found out years ago, I have a malformed small talk gland. I cannot talk to strangers about the weather, the crime or house prices.

All of yesterday I was mulling over an invite I received for an event. An event I would have had to attend alone. I have never been a huge fan of going anywhere alone. Always feeling that I stick out like a sore thumb.

It’s easy enough to say that I will know the person that invited me, but it’s not always quite that simple. Yes, I will know the person that invited me. Flipside of that coin is that the person that invited me will also know everyone else that they invited. And being the inviter, they would have to spend equal time with everyone that they invited. And, as with most invitations passed my way, I could only imagine that the majority of inviter’s other invitees will also know each other.

Now, yesterday a new “thing” manifested itself. It wasn’t just an absolute blind hatred of social events, but the very thought that I have to be in the company of people I don’t know sent me into a paroxysm of fear.

I have no idea really where this fear came from. Maybe I’ve just been to one too many birthday parties where I was the one standing around feeling spare. I usually end up feeling a bit like a pork chop at a Muslim wedding, and it’s not a feeling I particularly like.

I saw a shrink once that said I lack social skills. I don’t think it’s just a “lack” any more. I’m in a negative balance when it comes to social skills. I just cannot for the life of me do it. If I could avoid most, if not all, social events for the rest of my life I can die a happy man.

However, sadly, I cannot. Having married to someone that is a bit more social than I am and her coming from a family far, far more social than I can ever dream to be. Therefore certain social events I’ll never get away from.

Most people meeting me for the first time offline are usually in for a rather big shock. I’m only funny online. Offline I’m really a bit beige. The only way I could be more beige was if I dressed in tweed.