Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Fun Sized Opinions

I got the idea for Fun Sized Opinions from someone else. Trust me, I am not that original.

However, being active on both Twitter and Facebook, I sometimes have what can be called a fun sized opinion. It’s quite a bit shorter than 500 words, and a bit more than 140 characters. So, Fun Sized Opinions was born. Enjoy if you wish.

Top TV

I have no idea what Top TV was thinking when they launched their ad campaign, but whoever came up with it should be shot.

There’s one ad with a woman that’s a bad cook. Suddenly after one year of watching Top TV she’s great cook. She can make Potato Dauphinoise, but she can’t bloody pronounce it properly. Fuck it!

She completely murders the pronunciation as “doff-in-wah”, when in fact it is “doe-fin-wah”.


MTV has got to be the biggest load of bollocks on air at the moment. Right after The Breakfast Xpress and Top TV.

They play one good music video and then ten really shitty ones.

Bonus: MTV should change their name to Really Shitty Reality TV. That is all.


It irks me, it does. When I am in a queue for a till at a shop, there are usually people in front of me. This is the norm.

What I find most irksome, is that the person in front of me has someone running the shop flat to get all the stuff on the list. A rule I have, I get the stuff I want and then stand in the queue. I don’t get The Boss to run around like a blue arsed fly collecting things while I reserve a spot near the front.

Get your stuff. Join the queue. Find a cashier. Pay. Job done.

Magnum Mini

We’ve all seen the ads. The Magnum Mini. What’s the point? Either give me a Magnum or don’t.

Don’t tease me. The only way a Magnum Mini is going to satisfy me is if I eat the whole pack. In one go.

The Breakfast Xpress

After Jeremy Mansfield left The Rude Awakening last year, Highveld’s breakfast show hasn’t been the same.

They kept the format the same, put a knob in charge and screwed an entire province.

I just want to know the following: With all the celeb dick they suck, are Darren and Samantha not afraid of STDs?

Really now. Every “schleb” that has the misfortune of being interviewed by them is the greatest ever.

Fuck Off! Some schlebs are not all that great. Especially that massive knob that is Dr 90210.


My dear people, operating an ATM is not fucking rocket science. You ask for money and it gives it.

Do not attempt to pay a bunch of accounts via the ATM during the month end rush. There are people behind you that simply want to get some money from the machine.

If you do not know how to operate the bloody machine, go inside the  bank and fill in a little form. If you are so afraid of technology, or so stupid with the tech, then rather stick with pen and paper.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Why I Am Not a South African

I have for many years felt as if I’m not really a part of this country, merely a citizen. Should you look at the entire culture of this country and then look at me, you will see for yourself that I don’t really belong.

The culture of this country of ours revolves largely around braais, outdoor living, sokkie, rugby, 4x4, lather, rinse and repeat.

Now you take me, as a bad example. I am not a particular fan of the braai. Outdoor living is for the birds. Sokkie is something for me to make fun of. Rugby is something that someone else finds interesting. A 4x4 is something that is driven by a massive douche bag.

At some stage of my life I realized that I don’t fit in here, in this country. I am not terribly patriotic and given half a chance I would be living somewhere other than South Africa, or even Africa.

One day, some months ago, I heard some guy talking on the radio. He mentioned something which I found interesting at the time, and I can kick myself for not downloading the podcast at the time it happened.

This chap on the wireless was talking about something called “ancestral memories”. The gist of it is that you can feel something for a culture other than the one you were raised in. You might feel more for your ancestors’ culture than you do for your own.

When I heard that, a red flag went up in the old grey matter. This red flag said to me that maybe I was genetically linked more to another culture than the South African culture I had the misfortune of being raised in.

Had you asked me in the early 80s what I am, I would said that I am an Afrikaner. However, had we progressed through time, myself growing as a person through all of that and you ask me the same question what I am, the answer invariably would be that I am an Englishman.

I can speculate that during my formative years, I was formed by the society I grew up in. I was raised Afrikaans, due to the fact that my half Scot, half German mother married my Afrikaans father. I also grew up in what is now known as the “struggle years”.

Up until standard four I was in an Afrikaans class in a dual medium school. From standard five onwards I was in an English school. I do believe that it was in that school that I came to embrace me inherent English-ness.

I have happened to believe this chap on the wireless about the ancestral memories. However, research funding lacking, I have to make do with whatever the Google Machine gives me.

I know I might be a Scot because of the bagpipes, which I like and the Scotch whisky, which I love. Then there’s the German, which might explain why I like Rammstein so much. I have no idea where the Dutch part comes in because I didn’t enjoy smoking pot.

The point I was trying to make this time, is that despite my upbringing I feel more of a longing for my ancestral roots. In my heart I will always be an Englishman, a Scotsman even. I have never, in my life, felt like a South African.

I may be born of this country, but I’m THE most unpatriotic person you will ever know. Given half a chance, I would live somewhere else. No offence though to the South Africans. This is purely how feel. And this country? I don’t feel it.